Don’t Spill Coffee on Your Keyboard

Living on the edge means there isn’t any extra money for new keyboards when you’re foolish enough to dump coffee all over one that works perfectly fine.  Thanks to Kim and her castoff I am back to typing again.  WOO HOO Kim!

too much

too much life. definitely too much death. too much anxiety all around.

pyramids

maslow’s hierarchy of needs

my pyramid’s been deficient in some pretty serious spots for quite some time.   i’ve spent time at the top in self actualization mode, so, when i lack an areas for a time it isn’t always so dramatic,  but this unemployment thing threw me for a loop for longer than i expected. without secure employment,it’s difficult  to maintain a sense of security in my home and food and  healthcare etc….  i’ve got unemployment, and i had my severance, but i wasn’t in control, so it didn’t seem to count.

not quite a month ago i had a great interview, and was hired  as a special ed para professional in the school district.  i was hired specifically for a student with significant needs who we were hoping could be helped by our program. we are currently in the middle of our 30 day trial period with him, and thing s are going well, so i had guessed that i would have a job until at least may. today the teachers in my room asked if i would be available to work summer school, and would i still be interested in being on the team next fall!  hell yeah.

i know i am a capable and intelligent person and i would have found something else, but the thought of that prospect filled me such anxiety.  I was immobile for quite a while this winter.

i still need to find another part-time gig to fill in the budget, but,  this para job is a great foundation to add to.  i feel a big sigh of relief.  not that i’m fiscally sound yet, but i know i’ll get there.

nobody else asked either

stream of concsiousness

enter at your own risk

so, here’s the story. another blogger wrote about some trouble in their relationship. it’s a strange relationship and has been so for as long as i’ve been reading. all of a sudden last week things got to such a point that that my friend left. unable to find a motel room and sleeping in the car. this is indeed the saddest chapter yet in this saga. I couldn’t comment and wish my friend well because i was really struggling with what to say. something inside me felt like this was big. i realize this morning that what was niggling me, was the fact that none of the other commenters mentioned this either, and had the gender roles been reversed it might have been a constant concern. no one asked if he was safe. not just in the get in out of the car somewhere with four walls shelter safe, but, safe from physical, emotional and verbal abuse in your relationship. we wouldn’t hesitate to ask a woman, why do we step around the issue for a man? having worked at a shelter for battered women i know the importance of asking this uncomfortable question. i also know that women are abusers as well as victims. and abusive women can be as charming and friendly and unsuspecting as their male counterparts. gender differences in our society still expect us to “protect” our womenfolk, so asking if a woman is safe is seen as kind and caring. but asking a man if he is safe from the woman he loves, could be seen as emasculating and not the same kind of caring as asking a woman. arrgh! this is why i couldn’t leave a comment. it’s a book. and obviously i have some of my own unresolved issues floating in the mix, and he doesn’t need to deal with my shit on top of his. so what does a “friend” do? my first response to reading that a female friend left her partner and was sleeping in the car would have been to quietly ask if she was safe, and hope to god that when she told me she was, it was true. i owe him the same respect don’t i?

Sometimes

The one thing I really like about having a small readership is that I am feeling more and more safe to really write what I want. I always have that underlying fear of being harsh and offensive to people who don’t know that I am at heart a kind, overly empathic soul who really really does want the world to be a better place. Being mostly nice doesn’t mean I don’t have strong opinions on things. For me, the hope is that I can share my strong opinion without making you feel unworthy of your own strong opinion.

I read someone’s post about passive aggressive behavior and how it really annoyed the living daylights out of her. The things that were said in the post and subsequently the comments made me feel that me and my passive aggressive tendencies are completely unwelcome in the world. Not just her world, THE world.

I Don’t yet understand why I feel so personally attacked. I ended up writing a comment in response, partly to advocate for my own self who was feeling bruised, and partly because there needs to be some bridge established between the P/As and what are today I feel like the “haters.” You don’t just jump head first into every battle you find. There is lots of of conflict that can be (perhaps should be) avoided.

Sometimes it does mean that you stood on the sidelines a bit longer than you should have, but I just don’t understand the efficacy of turning mole hills into mountains.

I have a “rule of thumb” I try to stick by - I need 3 stones in my shoe before things have to be addressed. You know how you get a little stone in your shoe. Mostly you can kick it to the front of your shoe as you walk, every once in awhile you step on it, but, it’s not worth taking the time to stop in the middle of the road and dump out your shoe. Two stones is getting uncomfortable, and 3 stones can no longer be avoided.

While individually, each stone can be ignored for a while, If it’s attracting other stones, it must be dealt with.  The real trick is finding the right time.  When something has become more than a nuisance, but less than problem.

A while back I had a healthcare provider who would sometimes be a little more friendly than was truly professional. The first time I thought, well, perhaps this is just his personality and I’m being a little sensitive.   ( I actually DO recognize that I’m often a little thin skinned)  But, when his hand landed on my ass while demonstrating a theraputic exercise, yeah, I had to say something.

And it’s hard to say something as a P/A person.  It takes every ounce of courage I can muster to make me address conflict.  When we know we’re going to anger the “haters” it’s that much more difficult.  ( I know, I shouldn’t be calling you haters, but it’s being true to how I feel right now, and no one  reads this anyway.)

So anyway, today was just a bunch of whining.  Perhaps still a bit P/A , but Hey I whined about that 1st stone instead of the 3rd  today.  Progress?  Towards becoming a bitch maybe.  It still doesn’t feel very right to me, but I’m leaving it.  Growth isn’t supposed to be comfortable is it.

Geeze, I thought by writing all this shit out I ‘d have some clue as to why it all bothered me so much in the first place, but, no, not a clue.

Front Page News!!

It was a busy week when I couldn’t get into the blog.  I have lots to share.

A #1….  I got a job!!  In my field!!!  It’s only part- time, but it’s a foot in the door.  I start Monday morning as a Para Professional in an Early Childhood Special Education classroom.  The school is only 10 blocks from my house, so I get to walk and be good to the environment and myself.

I’m really excited about this.  As far as jobs go, working at the abortion clinic was the job that has given me the greatest sense of pride and the only times I’ve really felt patriotic about something.  Truly standing up for what I believe in the face of extreme opposition felt right.

But my job as Children’s Services Coordinator gave me a longer lasting feeling of having really done something worthwhile.  I am anxious to do meaningful work again.

It seems wrong that the more soul sucking a job was, the more stability it provided me.  My last job paid me well enough.  I don’t require a lot, so, it was fine.  But I never went home feeling like I had accomplished anything.  Like I’d solved a problem, made a difference. Now I’ll be doing something that truly adds value to the world and will struggle to make rent and pay my bills.

If I have to choose between filling soul and my pocket book, my soul’s gonna win this time.

Neil Has Another Great Idea

Every once in a while Neil over at Citizen if the Month comes up with another great idea.  Last Christmas he hosted the first annual Chrismahannakwanza Celebration  (I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong and it’s NOT coming up in spellcheck)  Along with the unspellalble event, he hosted a Virtual Art Crawl over the holidays.  The great thing about Neil and his ideas is his ability to share them and get others involved.  He’s good at building community.  That is a special talent.

His latest brainchild is a way to recognize his fellow bloggers.  The Blogger Interviews is a rolling, perpetual interview chain.  I got to  interview Jill from Glossy Veneer, and I was interviewed by Finn from A Life Less Ordinary. Here they are…

Finn interviews me….
1.  You’ve only been blogging a few months — how has it lived up to your expectations? How has it not?

I have two blogs actually.  One that chronicles the progress of a large art project, and the other is my more personal space. I decided from the get - go that blogging would be an occasional thing I wanted to do, not something that became a daily obligation.  So far, I’m enjoying exercising my atrophied writing muscles, and communicating with commentors.

How has it not?  I suppose one always wishes for more traffic, and I am surprised that my art project has yet to get any negative comments. I was prepared for them.

2.  You worked at an abortion clinic that actually got bombed. What was that day like?

Not as dramatic as it could have been.  We weren’t seeing patients that day so, it was just the clinic manager and myself staffing the phones. The Molotov cocktail had been thrown through a window the night before. My co-worker didn’t notice it when she went into the building.  I saw the damage as soon I got into the parking lot.

These were the days before cell phones, so I went to the gas station next door and called my co-worker, and told her to get out now!!  Then called the police, etc..  There was minimal damage, and clinic went on as usual that week.

If you want something a little more dramatic I could tell you about the day the protesters actually forced their way into the clinic and locked themselves to pipes and furnishings.  I was getting a pap smear at that very moment!  Doc and I were making jokes about what the commotion would be, and what do you know? We were right

The movie Citizen Ruth was loosely based on that clinic. Almost eerily so for those of us who worked there.

3.  How did you get into quilting? Do you do any other art?

I have sewn my entire life. In the early days, lots of clothes (’cause you couldn’t find blue velvet knickers on the rack.)  In college I didn’ t have time to sew fanciful wardrobes, and started experimenting with patchwork.  I’ve been quilting more seriously for the last 10 years, and have added teaching to the mix.

I have painted and prefer oils for that.  Pretty much every aspect of my life has some form of creativity in it.

4.   Tell us about the war quilt you’re making.

I am coordinating folks from all over the continent (there are some enthusiastic Canadians out there) who are helping me create a memorial for those who have died in the war.  I could go on and on here, but, you might just as well go check out that blog for all the details.  It’s called And Still Counting.

5.  In several posts you’ve mentioned wanting to positive on you blog? Why is that important to you?

I used to try and journal.  I ran across journals from different eras of my life when I moved a couple of years ago.   I was writing all the negative stuff in a hope of cleansing or accomplishing something positive. All I really would have needed was one journal. Each old journal had essentially the same old whining in it.  By recording all that negativity, I was perhaps subconsciously reinforcing that energy.

I think that words have power.   There are a lot of things that aren’t terrifically positive going on in my life right now.  It seems like writing too negatively could make things stick.  Staying  more positively focused helps me see that I actually do get things accomplished.

It all seems a little new agey, but, really  I can’t hurt anyone or thing by trying to stay positive.

Plus, the lifespan of the spoken word is only as long as it is remembered by someone.  Something you write can be read for years and years and years and years.  I don’t want to leave a legacy of bitching and moaning to the eternity that is the internet.

6.  You’ve got a day to yourself with no obligations — what do you do with it?

There will always be some sort of fabric fondling in the mix.  Hang out my nieces - we like the library;  maybe cook;  if I’m in a city with a good gallery or museum you should look for me there.

7.  What’s a man gotta do to get your attention?

Juggling always worked.  And if he takes the bite out of the orange, instead of the apple, extra points.

8.  Living in Minnesota — pros and cons?

Pros:  Family,  friends, nature - there’s lots of beautiful stuff outside, we’re willing to think outside the box and be progressive on things- politics (Jesse Ventura, Paul Wellstone,  I can’t wait to vote for AL Franken!) medicine, education etc..

Cons:  It’s been mostly below zero here all week, that gets old fast,  there’s really no excuse for the non - existence of decent public transportation.

9.  When you were 10, how did you see your life turning out?

As a child, we’re all kind of on a conveyor belt that moves us from one grade level to another, one activity to another, without us having a whole lot of say as to where we’re going to end up.   I have to say, at 10, I kind of expected the conveyor belt to keep moving.

10.  What’s your favorite thing to eat?

Old Home Plain Non fat Yogurt.  I’ll eat the regular fatted yogurt if they’re out of the nonfat, but the texture’s not the same.

And, I interview Jill …..

You’ve been blogging longer that anyone else I’ve encountered. How did decide to get started?

It’s so dorky, back in 2001 I was reading in a tech magazine about a new technologies emerging to make self-publishing on the internet very simple and mainstream. I started the blog by testing some of the companies mentioned in the article. I deleted most of those blogs and then stuck with Blogger because it was the most straightforward platform of all the ones I tested. This was before commenting emerged and mainly people used blogs for personal journals. My early posts were such garbage.

When you first started blogging, the name of your blog was Brain Dump. You now blog under the title Glossy Veneer. Tell me about the 2 names, and what made you want to switch.

Like I said, my early posts were awful. They literally were “brain dumps”, I had a thought or received a joke and I dumped it there so it wouldn’t be cluttering my mind. But after a while I decided that I wanted to buy my own domain exclusively for the blog and Brain Dump wasn’t creative enough to still be available. I just played around with lots of names, running them past my husband. GlossyVeneer got the thumbs up. I never imagined that people would start calling me “Glossy” from that, but I kind of like it now.

Congratulations on recently running your first marathon! How did you get started running? What do you do to stay motivated in your training?

I’ve always wanted to be an athlete. It eluded me for a while because I had a bad attitude. I didn’t want to get sweaty, I was too busy, I was tired, I have bad knees; just making excuses. But about 2003, after several health scares in the family, I decided that I wanted to take better control of my personal health. I started exercising more and eating cleaner. Then my mom and I made a commitment to each other that we would do something really “big” when she was all healthy. This was our something “big”. I don’t know how I stay motivated, I just do. It’s gotten to a point where I feel very antsy if I haven’t done a workout.

You telecommute for your job. Are there any unanticipated outcomes in transitioning from a traditional work environment?

At first I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world, for having employers that valued me so much that they would give me the opportunity to telecommute. But I’ve found that it is very, very, very lonely being by yourself all day; especially when you’ve moved to a new city and started telecommuting. When I first started and I would go back to the office for a week, I got annoyed because it felt like I was interrupted by people who were telling jokes and stories and goofing off. There’s a lot of that in a traditional work environment. But now I feel that interaction and camaraderie are essential to being a healthy employee. I’m trying to figure out how to reinvigorate my life while still doing my job, because I can’t really invite the neighborhood over for a party during the day and call it “work”.

You have Twitter on your side bar. Can you tell a skeptic like me why anyone would willingly play into the hands of “Big Brother?” This is one of those things I just don’t get.

I don’t know. The Twitter thing came about kind of like blogging, just testing new technologies. I’m finding it doesn’t really jive for me though and I may quit. You would think it would fall right into my previous themes of “BrainDump”, but I know more people are reading the Twits than early blog posts, so I’m a little more self-conscious of posting something like, “I feel gassy today.”

Movies. You review them from time to time. Do have an all time favorite?

No one all-time favorite. I love movies though, even the bad ones. We used to see them in the theatres all the time but it’s kind of pain to get to the theatre now since it’s in a casino and my husband works such long hours. But I do have a few that are definitely at the top of my list: Terminator 2, The Last Unicorn, A Christmas Story and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Random, huh?

Breast cancer has tread harshly on your family. How are your mom and grandma doing? What concerns do you have for your own health?

My grandma just finished radiation for her second breast cancer diagnosis and everything is looking really good. My mom has had breast cancer twice now, the latest bout was a couple years ago and she is doing phenomenally well right now too. Truthfully, I am terrified for my future. I always talk about “when” I get cancer, not “if” I get cancer. And it’s not really a guarantee that I will get it either. I just do my best to exercise and eat right so that hopefully I’ll be healthy. I’m trying to refocus my life to eliminate a lot of the stressors so that I don’t have that affecting my health as much either.

You mentioned some food allergy issues. I have some myself, and feel like my world is sometimes revolving around what I can and can’t eat. Have you found any special coping skills around that issue?

Basically I’m very aware of different names for items that may trigger allergies. I read menus, ingredient lists very carefully and if a restaurant is a chain I look through their site before visiting to narrow down my choices before I even get there.

Finally, How’s your butt? I too, took a tumble down some stairs, landing on my butt, and could not believe how much my ass could not only hurt, but how anything could bruise like that!! I didn’t break my tail bone like you did, so, I’m hoping that didn’t cause you any lingering effects.

HA HA! That’s awesome, the Butt Incident! You know the people that say they can predict the changing weather by a feeling in their joints after an injury? Well, I can’t honestly say that I feel oncoming rain in my butt, it just sounds funny to say that. But then, I live in the desert and we rarely have rain so maybe I can predict precipitation! My butt is doing much better these days, although the bruise lingered for nearly 6 months after that incident. The biggest issue that I’ve had as an outcome of that is that I have lingering fear of walking down stairs at movie theatres, since that’s where the injury occurred. I walk like a little old granny down the steps, one at a time.

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Technical Difficulties

I may be a nerd, but, I am no geek.

Some thing went awry  and I was no longer able to access my dashboard.  At last, I’m here again and worried that I should just leave my computer on so I don’t have to relive that headache.   I’m pretty sure I f’ed up something, but,  the tech support at wordpress was so mechanically polite, I’m still not certain.  Seriously.  Mechanical. I’m not certain it wasn’t a machine with a woman’s name who responded to my e-mails.  If she would have been a little more human I would feel more inclined to to feel reticent about whining.   Bitching really.  But come on, if you actually involve yourself in human interaction, problems are resolved more quickly.

Paranoid Sunflower

This is a piece that is most unlike the rest of my work. It was made after 9/11, during the anthrax scare. At the time, I worked in the mailing department of my company, and was absolutely terrified of anthrax. I know it was ridiculous. I knew it then.  But I just couldn’t shake it.

I had worked at an abortion clinic that actually had been bombed, (it was a small bomb and caused very little damage, but still…) and infiltrated by protesters, none of which caused me excessive anxiety. I was certainly more threatened in my tenure at the clinic than I was handling a few postal totes everyday.

Perhaps it was  easier to control my anxiety at the clinic because I knew I was working for something I really feel strongly about.  Control of my body is my right, and my responsibility.

My job at the clinic was always one of my favorite jobs.  Interesting, and challenging work, standing up for something I believe in.

Today is the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  It saddens me that we are still having to fight so hard to maintain what should be a fundamental right for women.  We don’t offer honest sex education to our children,  some pharmacists think it’s ok to deny morning after meds, and in some cases birth control to women.  More stuff I will never understand.

Women are strong and intelligent beings who deserve the right to control our own destinies as we see fit.

Frost

It’s freakishly cold here today. 17 below last I checked. It has put some gorgeous frost on all of my windows. I find myself moving from room to room, following the sun so I can be hypnotized by all the little prisms.

I wish I was a better photographer. I could share some of this. You’ll just have to trust me.