Sometimes

The one thing I really like about having a small readership is that I am feeling more and more safe to really write what I want. I always have that underlying fear of being harsh and offensive to people who don’t know that I am at heart a kind, overly empathic soul who really really does want the world to be a better place. Being mostly nice doesn’t mean I don’t have strong opinions on things. For me, the hope is that I can share my strong opinion without making you feel unworthy of your own strong opinion.

I read someone’s post about passive aggressive behavior and how it really annoyed the living daylights out of her. The things that were said in the post and subsequently the comments made me feel that me and my passive aggressive tendencies are completely unwelcome in the world. Not just her world, THE world.

I Don’t yet understand why I feel so personally attacked. I ended up writing a comment in response, partly to advocate for my own self who was feeling bruised, and partly because there needs to be some bridge established between the P/As and what are today I feel like the “haters.” You don’t just jump head first into every battle you find. There is lots of of conflict that can be (perhaps should be) avoided.

Sometimes it does mean that you stood on the sidelines a bit longer than you should have, but I just don’t understand the efficacy of turning mole hills into mountains.

I have a “rule of thumb” I try to stick by - I need 3 stones in my shoe before things have to be addressed. You know how you get a little stone in your shoe. Mostly you can kick it to the front of your shoe as you walk, every once in awhile you step on it, but, it’s not worth taking the time to stop in the middle of the road and dump out your shoe. Two stones is getting uncomfortable, and 3 stones can no longer be avoided.

While individually, each stone can be ignored for a while, If it’s attracting other stones, it must be dealt with.  The real trick is finding the right time.  When something has become more than a nuisance, but less than problem.

A while back I had a healthcare provider who would sometimes be a little more friendly than was truly professional. The first time I thought, well, perhaps this is just his personality and I’m being a little sensitive.   ( I actually DO recognize that I’m often a little thin skinned)  But, when his hand landed on my ass while demonstrating a theraputic exercise, yeah, I had to say something.

And it’s hard to say something as a P/A person.  It takes every ounce of courage I can muster to make me address conflict.  When we know we’re going to anger the “haters” it’s that much more difficult.  ( I know, I shouldn’t be calling you haters, but it’s being true to how I feel right now, and no one  reads this anyway.)

So anyway, today was just a bunch of whining.  Perhaps still a bit P/A , but Hey I whined about that 1st stone instead of the 3rd  today.  Progress?  Towards becoming a bitch maybe.  It still doesn’t feel very right to me, but I’m leaving it.  Growth isn’t supposed to be comfortable is it.

Geeze, I thought by writing all this shit out I ‘d have some clue as to why it all bothered me so much in the first place, but, no, not a clue.