oh for god’s sake. there i am doing it again. the self sabotage that maintains the damaged facade and keeps me from really having relationships. why can’t i just allow it to be good? or bad even, but just let myself feel safe enough to try. how do i know that either of them is safe? am i still attracting the ones who want to hurt me? i know that hurt does just sometimes happen in relationships, that’s not the kind of hurt i mean. the grown up version could be in control and not let those things happen again. but she’s so scared of letting one slip through the cracks, and then she’d be responsible for it. she’d have let it happen again. and she can’t bear that. i ask myself what a safe man would “look” like. and only the one creepy stalker guy “looked” unsafe from the beginning. one was a pastor, one was a medical professional, one was a business man, and date rape happens when you’re with someone you thought you could trust. how can i possibly determine who would be safe, until it’s too late? ok, but just because i can’t know that doesn’t mean i have to self sabotage. besides it’s not working anymore. they both seem to like me anyway. how can i trust such bad judgement? i can get 4 free sessions of therapy through eap. is it worth starting something i know i cant’ possibly finish? ffffuuucccckkkk.
